pinwheel

These days, in these staying-at-home days, I frequently find myself back in the industry vs. inferiority stage. Being in the early twenties, the reality of "quarter life crisis" is unavoidable, if not, consuming. In the awareness of the responsibility I have as a daughter, in this age, it is almost impossible to not judge myself. Questions such as, "Why aren't you working?" "Can't you be as busy as your peers?" "Why don't you socialise more?" or even other harsher convictions float in my head almost everyday.

People would say "Life is like a marathon, instead of a sprint." Focusing on our own development, rather than always comparing ourselves to others would be a more plausible, friendly, healthier option. Still, easier said than done. No matter how hard I repress those unproductive thoughts, one small moment could bring them all back to life. In a second, I find my self-esteem hitting rock bottom. And once again, I judge myself for how "not busy" I am as compared to my friends. Yes, I feel very guilty for not being able to be as productive as others, despite knowing how unconducive the situation is right now.

We, as humans, are designed to constantly move, as what I've heard in some advertisement I came across on YouTube. Although we desire stability and security, at some point, we also get easily bored when things go over and over again. But, what if the situation doesn't allow for a change to happen? What if "being stuck" has its reasons, maybe, providing a new lesson to learn?

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What do you think when you see a pinwheel? 

In where I live, we usually look at it as a child's toy. Introduced in primary school as a part of arts and crafts class, I remember seeing it as fun, but as the same time, useless. While other crafts have some use for itself, like, recycling cans and make a pen case, a pinwheel seems to serve no purpose. It stays that way until wind comes, or until someone swings it, for whatever reason. But, there was that one day when this certain pinwheel caught my eyes.

I couldn't recall the exact event, or where I took this photo. The only thing I remember was how I felt rather gloomy that day, hence, the tone of the photo. Looking back at it, I somehow relate my current condition to the "futility" of pinwheels, yet how it could brighten someone's day when it starts to move. In my case, I'm the pinwheel, while the "wind" or the "hand" is God.

This acknowledgement involves giving the complete control of my life to God, to trust in His timing, and to realise how powerless I am, especially in times when nothing feels certain. This experience also reminded me on focusing in serving God's own purpose in my life, instead of blindly setting my own goals based on what the world seems to require.

So, how would you live your life when life seems to pin your feet down to a certain spot?

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Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done

and what I had toiled to achieve,

everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind;

nothing was gained under the sun.

Ecclesiastes 2:11

To the person who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge and happiness, but to the sinner he gives the task of gathering and storing up wealth to hand it over to the one who pleases God. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind.

Ecclesiastes 2:26